You fell in love, got engaged and set a date. You pick out your dress and the rings and the caterer, but what about the ceremony? Many times the ceremony itself is overlooked for all the fluff and planning, and it’s the most important thing of all! If you aren’t a traditionalist or are not using the services at a church, you have choices. It’s wise to plan early and get what you want. Most couples have some idea of what their wedding should feel like and what they want in a ceremony, but very few make a list and start researching their options.
People who officiate at weddings are generally good people wanting to help couples get married on their terms.
Some engaged couples prefer to meet their officiant before booking them. This is perfectly acceptable to most, if time allows. Do not take anyone but your fiancée, unless you want the support (and opinion) of another loved one. Children do not belong at the consultation. It is proper protocol to have your questions and ideas listed, any vows or readings you may want, and copies for the officiant to follow.
The consultation is not a business interview, per se, but a time to see if you mesh. Thirty minutes is a good time slot to do a “meet and greet. The best way to check on an officiant is to ask around, then rely on your intuition.
Your ceremony should be a reflection of your personal tastes and lifestyle. What this means is that you should be able to re-word a ceremony to fit you. It is generally understood that some couples don’t want to use certain words or phrases, especially those pertaining to ownership or dominance.
If you have written your own vows, there are officiants who will help you so it reads smooth and clear and is palatable to your guests while allowing the real “you” to show through. Most officiants realize it’s your day, and they can guide you so you aren’t embarrassed or ashamed when you write your memoirs. You don’t want to look back on your wedding day and think, “Oh why did I do that?” “Why didn’t anyone tell me not to say that?” or “I wish I had done things differently.”
As soon as you book your date, submit all your ideas to your officiant. Allow them to review and critique. These are people who have seen many more ceremonies than the average couple, and it is good to get their opinions and try to take their advice. They are a wealth of information, not only on customs, but many are writers, counselors and sociologists. We all know that perceptions vary, but your officiant can be a trusted source who will tell you if a passage is inappropriate or if your ceremony is too long. If you ask why, most will be happy to oblige. Their ethics and reputation are at stake, as is the outcome of your wedding. It’s a two-way street. If you don’t like what they tell you, get an opinion from a trusted source.
If you don’t think you can work with the officiant you booked, cancel. They should do the same thing (and probably return your deposit depending on the amount of time incurred) if they don’t think they can work with you. It’s the right of the officiant to rescind their contract with you because they feel you were unreasonable or they are compromised ethically or professionally. In those cases, you will be obliged to pay only the first meeting for an amount of 150.00 $. You want to be happy and losing some pittance of a deposit is never worth the stress of not getting what you believe you want and need.
Designing or writing your own ceremony can be an enlightening experience. The best way to start is to look for different readings and vows on the internet or in the library and see what fits you best. You never want to plagiarize, but you can use ideas and concepts and put them in your own words. Remember to keep it simple, and not to repeat yourself. The wedding is a public declaration, not a personal conversation. Innuendo merely assumed by guests can haunt you for years, and overt reference to anything “delicate” is enough to make a grandmother faint, a mother cry in embarrassment and the children to say “ewwww” out loud if it doesn’t pass over their heads.
Your vows can most certainly have hidden meaning; include symbols that are personal for you. The guests don’t need to know everything about your personal life, and no, it’s not dishonest, it’s clever. Your guests are invited to share in your special moment; they want to witness and be happy with you. They don’t want to be bored with endless readings or confused with a ceremony that seems to repeat or be so complicated they can’t follow along. It’s your wedding, but you are also ultimately the hosts and even if you have a theatrical “performance” you are not stars in a play. The vows should have meaning for you, but you don’t have to say all that there is to say or get too intimate. There are just some things that should remain between two married people that don’t need to be shared with the guests at their wedding ceremony.
Many traditional vows we have all heard over the years have reference to sadness and tears. We all know that married life is work and that things can get tough. Children grow up and move away. People get sick, loved ones pass on. It’s okay to reference the long road ahead, in ceremonial terms of course. It’s depressing to look back on your vows if there is too much reference to misfortune. Omens (and the discussion of) do not belong at weddings. The vows should be a happy thing to look back on and read on your anniversaries. There is enough bad in this world and we all need to do something to about it, so accentuate the positive. It’s a day to dream.
The choreography of the ceremony should also be kept as simple as possible. Unless your wedding party consists of trained performers, keep the focus on you. Processional music should be instrumental, so as not to be cut off in the middle of the vocals. It is also uncomfortable for the bride and groom to stand facing the officiant, ready to get going, and the song has to run to the end. Your officiant or coordinator should have suggestions for music. The recessional is a completely different thing. Recessional music can be any happy music you like, with vocals or not. It’s a nice touch to walk back down the aisle with a great tune to follow your exit and that of your guests.
As for the length of wedding ceremonies, it’s a debated issue. Most processions last three minutes or less, the vows and readings ten to fifteen maximum, and the recessional less than two. 20 minutes is a long time to be smiling and pretty, but it doesn’t sound like it on paper. The written ceremony should fit on two to three pages if you want to be within a reasonable timeline. Readings should be given by a person nearest and dearest, not your officiant. This allows for outside participation and a shift in focus to break tension for anyone needing a “moment” to breathe or wipe away a sniffle. Longer ceremonies are stressful on the couple, the bridal party and especially children. Also take into consideration the elders in attendance; they sometimes can’t comfortably sit through a long ceremony but endure pain without complaint to be there for you.
Children are a hotly debated issue. Some say it’s a family event, some say it’s a grownup event. That’s up to you, so don’t allow anyone to pressure you. Children usually can’t perform under pressure, regardless of hours of preparation. Young children don’t realize what is going on and most only understand that they get to dress up fancy and get flowers. Babies don’t have any idea at all, and as many new mothers want their babies to attend the wedding of their parents, we have never seen it work. Children cannot process information like adults, regardless of apparent maturity. This can also apply to teens. We have all seen children and teens on information overload. When the kids get over-stimulated, meltdown can occur, and your wedding is not the time or the place.
Children participating in a wedding must have even-keeled and cooperative personalities. Shy children should be given other “duties” if you want to include them, but never make a shy child “do the walk” or expect them to stand up with you. If they want to participate, great, let them go up the aisle (if they can) and hold the rings or the bride’s flowers. Let them sit down until they are called up, and let them sit back down after they do their job. This tactic will alleviate the problem of the gotta-go-potty dancing, face-making and nose picking.
To put a child or teen on display when they don’t want to is asking for trouble. It’s nice to include new stepchildren, if they are close with you and each other. Don’t expect that including all the children in the wedding ceremony will help blend your family if it hasn’t happened already. A good idea is to appoint children to read short poetry, scripture or your favorite wedding appropriate music lyrics. If they run in fear, so be it, you have a backup adult to fill the spot.
You should always have a grownup (or two) designated to look after the children, before, during and after the wedding. You are there to get married, someone else needs to dress them, prep them, get them to the restroom and get them out of the range of sound if they act up during your vows. This is not a day for you to wear your caregiver hat; you don’t have time and probably not the patience either. You are not selfish wanting this big day to be carefree. You are a kind and considerate couple trying to accommodate the needs of your family, guests and attendants so you can all enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime event.
With a little research, some creativity and guidance, you can have your wedding your way. Keep a notebook, ask questions and be careful. Remember to keep it simple because simple feels bigger than life on the big day. Keep your guests in mind when you plan your service, and choose your words and music wisely. It’s not difficult, just find people you can work with and remember when all seems to be going wrong, be flexible. Things should work out just fine.
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